First things first – it is a lovely thing when people show an interest in what you do. Seriously, it is, but sometimes, when two worlds collide, and People-Who-Binge-Watch-Netflix-And-Admit-It’s-Just-For-Pleasure come into contact with People-Who-Binge-Watch-Netflix-And-Tell-Themselves-It’s-Just-For-Research, many a conversation is had, which both parties end up walking away from unsatisfied. In this the post, I provide a handy, ready to print*, leaflet for Actors and Non-Actors alike to help avoid those awkward conversations nobody really wants to have. These are all questions I have been asked. This is a true fact. Feel free to print a batch and hand them out when you feel you may be entering the Danger Zone, just remember to send me a fiver for every awkward conversation avoided.
Q&A (You may need to tailor to your specific needs. Sorry.)
- Are you in anything at the moment?
You can safely assume that if we have been chatting for longer that 2 minutes and I haven’t mentioned a job I’m currently working on, then, no, I’m not in anything at the moment. We are actors. We love what we do, and we don’t get to do it as often as we’d like. We talk about that shit until we’re blue in the face.
- Have I seen you in anything?
I don’t know. What have you seen?
- Have you ever been in Eastenders?
No.
- Have you ever thought about going on Big Brother?
No. I’m not a complete lunatic.
- Have you met anyone famous?
Yes.
- How do you learn all those lines?
Witchcraft. That’s the short answer.
The longer, more honest answer, which you’ll be very bored by is this:
- We read the script. The whole script. Not the York Notes. The whole thing. No cheating. This helps us understand the character, what their motives are, and what their backstory is. It enables us to be in the frame of mind the character finds themselves in, and therefore react and speak accordingly;
- We rehearse: We read the play through as a company. We then break it down into scenes. Which we rehearse. We pick each scene to pieces, we decide why it’s there, which direction it’s taking the characters in, and what it’s revealing about them. We rehearse. We try something different. We rehearse. By the end of the first week of rehearsal we’ve said those lines so many times, that most of them have stuck;
- We go home. We don’t have the evening off. We don’t watch TV. We walk around our homes saying the lines to imaginary cast mates. We shout the lines. We whisper the lines. We laugh the lines. We sing the lines. We don’t have conversations with our partners/housemates/family members, we make them test us on our lines…. Come to think of it, this is probably why so many actors have failed relationships, when your loved one asks if you just fancy a night in because it’s freezing outside, “Now is the winter of our discontent” probably isn’t the reply they were after… Oh well, you live and learn…
- We listen to what the other characters on stage are saying to us, if the writing is good the dialogue will flow naturally;
- Oh, and we rehearse.
LOLATRON! Just joking! I had you for a minute there, didn’t I?! We all go to sleep in a big circle on the stage, and Puck pours a potion into our ears, this then grows into a giant Thespy bubble filled with all the words.
- Doesn’t it get boring doing the same thing every night?
No. No matter how much rehearsal you have, no matter how often you do the show, you will never get to a stage where it is ‘the same thing ever night’. Most actors are almost human, and therefore mistakes happen in places they’ve never happened before…. whether it’s Kenneth Branagh forgetting a vital prop, John Mahoney completely blanking half way through a 3 page monologue, or Roger Lloyd Pack’s Andrew Aguecheek falling over as he exited upstage left dressed as a bush… the knowledge that something could go up in flames at any second keeps the adrenaline rushing and the brain focussed.
Sometimes ‘stage games’ are introduced to keep longer running shows fresh.. Once, when I was in a play set in 19th century Russia, we started playing a game where at the beginning of every show one of us would choose a word, which the others then had to try to fit seamlessly into the dialogue. One of the actors suggested ‘popcorn’… (Hi Pete!)… I managed to incorporate it into my first scene, and I’m fairly certain the audience didn’t notice that one of the other actors ran off stage and let out a howl of laughter in the wings, before walking back on as if nothing had happened… OOOPS!
So, no. In brief, it’s never boring.
- Do you want to be famous?
No. If fame is the reason you decide to be an actor, take my advice and choose something easier that will involve less work, more money, less humiliation and less time. I can recommend:
- Getting involved in a Twitter shit-storm;
- Dating a footballer;
- Being born to Posh and Becks;
- Running onto stage and mooning Theresa May;
- Waiting around the reception area at the BBC in the hope of being interviewed;
- Taking your mate’s dog for a walk in Richmond Park;
- Going on The X-Factor and making sure that you’re really, really dreadful.
- Why don’t you just do an advert?
Please see my earlier post.
- I could have been an actor.
Good for you. Why didn’t you? I know this is not a question, but it is something we all hear a lot.
- How do you make yourself cry?
I think of the bottle of champagne I spilled last night. Sorry. That was flippant and disingenuous – I tend not to spill champagne. The honest answer is that you just have to listen and empathise. You shouldn’t have to “make” yourself cry…. Unsatisfying answer, I know.
- What kind of acting do you do?
Whichever kind of acting someone will employ me to do. If I get to wear a period frock, that’s a bonus. Most actors can’t just rule out a whole section of the industry, annoyingly. One day…
- Do you spend a year living as the character before you play the part?
No. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Unless their name begins with Daniel and ends with Day-Lewis.
- You’re an Actor? Don’t you mean Actress?
I suggest you just take a deep breath and walk away from this one, because this is a conversation that covers more than just Acting.
So there you have it…..you need never have a single conversation again. Hurrah!
*Yes, I know that was a lie – it’s not Ready to Print, I’d have to actually pay to enable that facility.
This post was originally published as ‘The Anxious Actor”
My Name is Not Debbie 