“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign”

Who doesn’t love an Ace of Base lyric, eh? Oh, you don’t? Bit weird.

Anyway… Hello!

Are you sitting comfortably? Brilliant. Then I’ll begin.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. That is what I don’t want this blog to be about. Me. It will, despite that, probably be a lot about Me, because they always tell you to write what you know, and there’s not much I know more about than Me. Except for David Mitchell, obviously. And Poirot. Also, Anxiety and Depression are deeply personal things. And I’m an actor, so it’s always about Me.

But this particular post, is about YOU.

Yes, you.

“Who is this ‘You’?” I hear you ask. Good. I like people who question stuff.

YOU are the person whose partner suffers from A&D. Or whose best friend does. Or whose child does. YOU are the person who suffers, but doesn’t see it, or doesn’t want to see it, because you think it shows weakness of character. YOU are the person who suffers, who knows they suffer, who feels alone and ‘wrong’ for suffering.

Suffering. I don’t think I’ve ever used that word so much in one paragraph. It doesn’t feel right bandying it about so much when you consider what is going on in Syria, or Somalia, but, I’m embarrassed to admit, that I don’t have another word to use.

But back to YOU. I sometimes think that it’s worse when you’re standing on the sidelines watching someone you love go through a depressive period without being able to do anything to help, than it is to actually be in that depressive period. Because you want to help. But, like it or not, when someone is in ‘The Zone’ knowing that somebody loves them deeply, doesn’t snap them out of their misery. Sorry to be the person to tell you that. I really am. I know you want to fix it. I know it makes you feel hopeless, and taken for granted, maybe even unloved. I know it’s draining. And frustrating. And incomprehensible. I also know that you’re busy, and tired, and that friend you have and care loads about isn’t your responsibility. He’s 40, FFS. He’s not a baby. And you HAVE a baby who really IS your responsibility. I know all that stuff, but I also know that you want to do what you can. How can I know that? I know that, because I’m surrounded by those people. I love them so much that I want to squeeze them until they pop. And I’m fairly certain mine is not a unique situation, despite what everyone tells us about being “unique, beautiful snowflakes”.

So. We’ve already ascertained that you can’t fix it. Frustrating? Yes. Sometimes, though… you can spot the signs that the Beast is stirring, and sometimes, it can be placated before it goes all Incredible Hulk on us. We learn to manage it…. and before anyone pipes up with “I KNEW you could just pull yourself together”…It’s not always manageable, it’s not always caught on time, but sometimes it is. So on the off-chance that this is a possibility – here are some signs to be aware of:

Avoidance – is your normally very sociable friend avoiding your calls, cancelling your plans, or refusing to commit to any? This could be a sign. It’s quite hard to spot this with actors, due to the random nature of our lives, but it’s a thing. So just be aware.

Moodiness – is your normally sunny and amiable boyfriend suddenly snappy and grumpy and short fused? This could be a sign. It might not be, he may just have had a horribly shitty day, but if it’s becoming a regular thing…. take note.

Grubbiness – is your normally coiffed-and-groomed-to-within-an-inch-of-her-life daughter suddenly not combing her hair and wearing yesterday’s knickers? You got it – this could be a sign. Like the others, not everyone who gives the shower a miss in the morning is depressed, but if it’s out of character and becoming more frequent, just be aware. I’m not telling you to mention her personal hygiene… GOD NO! DON’T DO THAT, but you know, maybe just don’t assume it’s nothing.

Drunkenness – is your “oh, no thanks, I’ve already had 2 glasses of wine” friend suddenly drinking so much it would have alarmed Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton? This is almost definitely a sign. I’m not even putting a “might be” in there.

Exhaustion – is your normally bright eyed and bushy tailed wife suddenly waking up much later and napping during the day? This could be a sign… “But, no, it’s because she’s not able to sleep at night, not because she’s depressed”… still a sign. Maybe.

Social Media Obsession – Is your dad, who has always hated “putting his information on the internet” suddenly spending every minute of every hour of every day of every week on Facebook? Yeah… not a good sign.

Indecision and self-doubt – Your brother has always been very focussed and decisive, but now he’s gone all Vicky – Yeah, but no, but Yeah – Pollard on you, he can’t decide whether to choose the blue or the green, and he’s wondering if the decision he made to buy the shed in the first place is going to prove to be a mistake of such gargantuan proportions that his life is ruined for ever….hear that alarm sounding in the distance? It may be a drill, but it may not.

Zombification – Your colleague has always had a great sense of humour, and engaged in office BANTZ, and suddenly she’s stand-off-ish with everyone and you haven’t seen her smile for a fortnight… Mark that checklist.

Irrigation – The slightest hint of emotion (sad or happy) in any conversation is bringing actual real tears to your friend’s eyes… You got it… Sign. Sign. Sign. Sign. Sign. Sign.

“BUT WHAT CAN I DO?!? You’ve just said that I can’t fix it! Am I supposed to just sit back and watch a disaster unfold in slow motion?”

First of all, to use an old cliche – It’s not you, it’s me. It might not feel like it right now, but you ARE loved and appreciated. More than you know. And you are most certainly not taken for granted. Well… I mean… you might be, but if that’s the case your partner/friend/relative is using depression as an excuse for them being an arsehole. Just because someone suffers from mental health issues, there’s no need for them to be a dick. Now … let’s assume that your friend/partner/relative is a good person, who just has this stupid, horrible thing that pops up every now and then. Sometimes briefly, sometimes not so briefly. You can’t fix it, no, but here’s what you can do:

Be there for them – just check in every now and then, yes, they may have cancelled three nights out in a row, yes, they may not be answering your texts, yes, they may not be picking up the phone, and they may have been a bit snappy and defensive, but just a ‘hello’ text every now and then (not every day, that’s a bit stalky), or a ‘just heading to the Southbank, d’you fancy meeting up for a coffee?’ to let them know that you haven’t written them off is a very helpful thing. And who knows, you may catch them on a good day.

Listen to them – if they do want to talk about it, just let them talk. Don’t try to fix it (remember?…. you can’t). This is very hard, I know that very well, I am, by nature a “fixer”. I see a problem, and I try to work out how I can fix it – lots of people are, but they don’t need you to fix it, they just need you to listen. I know this is rich coming from someone blogging about it, but it isn’t easy to talk about, especially not when you’re in the middle of it. The first time I talked to someone other than The Husband about my last (and worst) prolonged “depressive period” was to a friend who I knew had experienced depression herself, and who knew that I’d had periods of it in the past. We were on the phone, she could tell something wasn’t right, and “How are things?…. They’re not ok, are they?” led to a very long conversation during which a large percentage of the time was taken up by my sobs, and my trying (often unsuccessfully) to get the words out. And the words weren’t always obstructed by tears and snot, and trying to breathe, they were obstructed by shame and fear and pride and disgust. And that was talking to one of my best friends who had suffered herself, and who knew I had too…. Talking about it is harder than it sounds. Respect them for building up the courage to do it.

This one is going to seem like a contradiction to the previous points:

Do not let yourself become a crutch. By a ‘crutch’, I don’t mean someone who checks in, makes themselves available, and listens to their friend. I mean someone who always drops everything to run to said friend, answers their texts at 3 in the morning on a nightly basis, ends up spending hours on the phone to them every other day. Ultimately, this isn’t a good thing for you, or them, or your friendship. They will become dependent on you, you will become worn down by them (you’re a busy person with a life of your own, and you want to conserve your own mental health too), you will start to resent them and when the friendship breaks as a result, they will feel lost and abandoned and it will re-enforce their feelings of worthlessness. So yes, be the best friend you can be, but look after yourself too.

Do. NOT. Spam them with inspirational, positive quotes.

“Think Positive & Positive Things Will Happen” – Bullshit. Sometimes the worst things happen to the most positive people. This is not helpful. Also – “Being Positive” is not always an option when all you can focus on is all the things that are wrong with you.

“You can’t have a positive life with a negative mind” – Thanks!

“Change your Mindset! Believe in Yourself!” – That is easier said than done…. don’t think this is the way I want to be…

…. OK, that got a bit angrier than planned, I might have to write a whole post about it…. You get the idea… I’m sorry if you’ve been doing this thinking you’re helping them… but please stop doing it now you know it’s not helpful.

“And what if I’m the YOU who is suffering from depression? What if I’m not the friend or the relative?”

Well…. I am not a medical professional, and contrary to what Bob the Builder would have us all believe, I can’t fix it, but I can tell you tiny things that help me when I catch myself on time:

– If you’re working from home open your curtains/shutters/blinds and your windows (if it’s not freezing). It’s very easy to slide straight out of bed and into your desk chair, and before you know it it’s 2pm, and yes, you’ve done a load of work, but your curtains are still drawn and you’re still in your PJs (this is absolutely 100% honestly not my current situation. Honest. Noo-nee-noo…)
– Try to get some exercise. I would recommend running, if you can, even if it’s just once round the block – I know it’s hard to make yourself do this, and some days you just won’t be able to, but there are some days when you’ll feel a little glimmer of determination – grab it with all your might, and make yourself use it, because tomorrow it might be further from reach… and the more often you can grab it, the more frequently it will be grab-able.
– The same goes for meeting up with people: if there is any way you can generate the impetus to do it: Do it.
– Make plans that you will struggle to get out of – buy travel tickets, theatre tickets, cinema tickets in advance – if you’ve already spent the cash, you’ll feel more of an obligation to go through with the plan.
– Try to drink less…. I know, right? What a bloody cheek coming from an old lush like me… but give yourself a rule. Mine is absolutely 100% no drinking alone. I used to get home and have a glass of wine while I was getting dinner ready, which might lead to a second glass, or if The Husband was partaking too, we’d share a bottle. Most nights. Don’t do it. Yes, have a bottle if you’re home on a Saturday night, and you’ve made a nice dinner, but don’t allow it to become your default setting. Save your alcohol consumption for when you’re socialising. I cannot recommend this enough.
– Avoid the news…. this sounds bonkers, and it goes against my grain, I like to be informed on current affairs, but PARTICULARLY with the way the world is behaving at the moment, the feelings of anger, disappointment and hopelessness caused by keeping in the loop are not good for my mental health, and I doubt I’m alone in that.
– Do not go to bed with your iPad and a Netflix boxset…. you need all the sleep you can get, and “just one more episode of Mad Men” could be enough to tip you over the edge…
– When you are outside, look up at the sky. Just trust me.
– Try to talk to someone. If the signs are faint, but definitely there, the sooner you talk about it the better, it doesn’t necessarily have to be with a professional, your friends will be understanding.

Like I said, I’m not a doctor, so the signs to spot are signs I either exhibit myself, or have seen in friends, the recommendations are things that help me, they’re not necessarily things that will work for everyone, but my attitude is that anything is worth trying once. If it’s beyond the stages where you think you can do something yourself, please, please, please go to see your GP. You know You. If you are not behaving like You, please go to your GP. If your friend/partner/relative is not behaving like themselves, please, in as sensitive a way as you can, try to encourage them to go to their GP. At the risk of sounding like an Inspirational Quoter: Acknowledging something is wrong doesn’t make you a failure. Needing help to fix it doesn’t make you weak.

And to YOU, and YOU, and YOU, and all the other YOUs. Thank you for just being there. I love you xxxx

---

This post was originally published as ‘The Anxious Actor”