I have watched a lot of romcoms recently, and I’m not going to apologise for it, it’s the mood I’ve been in. I’ve even cried at some. And rooted for fully dysfunctional relationships while watching them, but the thing is…
– if somebody (normally a woman, sometimes a guy) tells you they are not interested, don’t try another hundred times to convince them they’re wrong. That’s stalking;
– DO NOT LIE TO SOMEONE ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. And no, I don’t mean don’t pretend to like Jazz just because they do (or they say they do), I mean don’t lie about your name, background, job…. don’t pretend you’re the blind date they were set up on, or whatever other countless number of lies people in romcoms appear to be able to get over as easily as they get over someone bringing them the wrong drink… I don’t know where to start with that one…
– If the object of your affection is getting married, do not wait until the “does anyone know of any reason” part of their wedding to tell them your feelings. You’ve had plenty of time, and if you’ve been too much of a coward to tell them before then that’s tough shit. Leave it alone;
– If you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT leave it alone, and have to tell them in front of all their friends and family at an event that has cost them thousands and THOUSANDS of pounds to arrange, and they indeed feel the same – DO NOT have a big snog right there and then. Be classier than that – at least wait until you’re not in the same room as the person they were supposed to be marrying – you’ve already won, and ruined that person’s day/weekend/maybe even month, there is absolutely no need to play tonsil tennis right in front of them. Don’t be a dick.
– If you have been shagging a different person every week throughout a twenty year friendship with someone who is PLAINLY in love with you, and they have been waiting on the sidelines, patiently listening while you recount every detail of your antics to them, and then they meet someone and fall in love with them… just LEAVE THEM ALONE TO GET ON WITH THEIR LIFE. Now is not the time to decide you actually quite fancy them.
– If someone only develops romantic feelings for you after you’ve had a make-over, despite the fact that they’ve known you better than anyone else for the last few years – tell them to get to fuck.
– If YOU only develop feelings for someone after they have a make-over despite having known them better than anyone else for the last few years – have a word with yourself, you’re a superficial ass.
– Do not under ANY circumstances interrupt a performance, take the microphone from the singer and declare your undying love for someone in front of hundreds of people. If you are considering it – you’re a psychopath.
– You ARE allowed to move on from your school crush, it does not mean you are a snob who thinks you are better than everyone else;
– DO NOT employ private detectives to dig up dirt on the partner of someone you fancy. That’s not cool, and it will cost you a shit load of money you could be spending on therapy;
– If someone you love cheats on you repeatedly, they are unlikely to change their ways. You know that already;
– If you cheat on someone who loves you repeatedly, you’re a fuck-face. Just break up with them. And you might want to check yourself into therapy;
– If you have to swap bodies with someone or revert back to childhood to realise that you have feelings for a person, it’s probably a non-starter…
Right. I think I’m done for now. YES, I do have a pile of work to do, why else would I be writing ridiculous posts about romantic comedies?
Just remember DO NOT DECLARE YOUR LOVE IN FRONT OF A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, they are unlikely to clap and cheer, they probably won’t even stop their conversation – if they do, they will just feel awkward and embarrassed, as will the object of your declaration.. it’s not cute, it’s not romantic, it’s emotional blackmail.
You’re welcome.
My Name is Not Debbie 